Moving Time

I've gone silent again the last few weeks. My life has been rather stressful and topsy turvy. I've elected to move early, for several reasons. A large one being that my apartment has an increasingly serious cockroach problem and I am not willing to wait around another month as it just gets worse. My parents have found me a wonderful little two bedroom apartment on the edge of town, very near my grandmother's, which I'm very happy about. The official move is Tuesday, so most of my belongings are already packed up.

I have been up to things other than stressing though. I baked up a Chocolate Guinness Cake with Cream Cheese Icing back around St-Patty's day. It's the third time I make the recipe and it's amazing every time, probably one of my most favourite cakes. I also finished up this round of belly dance classes. I'm really going to miss dancing with my ladies, but it's time to move on.



I met Laura way back when we both started taking belly dance classes in January of 2012. I thought she looked like a really groovy lady, and like someone I'd like to get to know. So I wrote up my name and number on a piece of paper and introduced myself, saying I'd like to try and be friends. It may have been dorky, but it worked, and we're great friends now. I'm really going to miss her, and my other friends here. But there are plenty of people in Sturgeon who are looking forward to having me there, old friends I'll be able to catch up with and strengthen those relationships. My future is looking really good. I'm about to head out and say goodbye to some more of my friends now though. I hope you are all having a lovely Easter weekend. Cheers!

Without Words

I'm just taken aback by the surprise gift my friend made for me. She and I have known each other for years now, and she knows more about me than most people ever will. Even though we've never met in person - we're in completely different hemispheres and continents - I still consider her one of my closest and dearest friends. And there's nothing better than knowing that sentiment is returned in kind. My friend is an amazing artist... and this is with what she surprised me!

I feel like I could explode from loving this so much! The funniest part is that she posted it on Facebook and I noticed the gecko before realizing it was me haha...This makes me so happy. Definitely something I'm going to treasure and love for a long time. Aw friendship, how it does warm the cockles of my heart! I highly suggest you check out more of her amazing art on her Deviant Art profile where she posts as Chaotic-AlterEgo. Now to try and calm myself down enough to actually get to sleep... <3

Inside Outward

If you could take a peek inside my mind and see my thoughts, things would probably look a lot like the print on this dress. Bright. Cheerful. Bold. Lively. Dynamic. To name a few. There are so many joyous thoughts and plans rushing around in there. It's like a crazy game of bumper cars, with flashing lights and ringing sounds as riders get jostled roughly about. All in good fun though!

Dress - Purchased from Ninth Avenue Vintage on Etsy 

Earrings - Gift from grandmother 

Sandals - Sears

Of course, not everybody enjoys a good bumper car battle, and so not everyone is comfortable with me and my various forms of self expression. Like my clothes. Or my taste in music. Or my past-times. Which is really just a loss for them! I tend to think, about 98% of the time, that I am super-awesome-fantastic and anybody would be crazy not to like me. And while that's extremely egotistical, I'd rather be a happy egotist than an unhappy person overly concerned about others' opinions.

Of course that doesn't mean I don't care about others' feelings. I think this mindset kind of helps me. Being friendly and open and caring is a lot easier if you already think you're the bees' knees. At least it seems so to me. I don't need outside validation to be a happy person. I'm not seeking approval or support. Whether or not someone thinks my dress is obnoxious, or that my life views are naive really doesn't concern me. I don't worry about those things and I try my best to be nonjudgmental about those things towards others. It's harder for me to deal with the rejection of my friendship and love than it is to deal with someone thinking I have bad taste in shoes or need a hair cut. I'm a selfless egotist, perhaps? Or maybe self-confidence is too often called egoism and I'm getting them all mixed up. (Bumper car crash!)

Let's just say that sometimes I do come off as harsh. Beating around the bush is not my style and in some instances my blunt honesty can be a little more than people can handle. I don't intentionally try to be hurtful or unfeeling or self-centered, but in the end my priorities do revolve around myself. It takes a lot of effort and presence of mind for me to take other people's feelings and viewpoints into account when I interact with others. I'm not fond of people or situations that upset me or make me uncomfortable and sometimes I can lash out more quickly than I should. I'm still learning.

Oftentimes it feels like I'm at an emotional learning stage that I'm too old to really be in. I swear everybody else went through this awkward crap in their teens? I'm all thumbs. I blunder through sensitive emotional interactions. I have the hardest time reading the level of someone's emotions. Are they only kind of grumpy or are they enraged? Is she just a little sad or is she about to burst into nonexhaustible tears? And I always feel so clumsy trying to console or cheer someone up. It's frustrating because I would love to be that person, but I'm still busily gluing my own parts back together. Trying to help someone else do that seems beyond my abilities right now. I mean well, but I'm not willing to put myself in a position I know isn't healthy for me.

Anyway, all that nonsense aside, things are good. I've booked a bunch of days off this month for various activities. Tomorrow is booked for a major apartment cleaning, which isn't very exciting, but things spice up after that. Tonight is my weekly belly dance class and beers with my friend Laura. Saturday is my friend Helen's baby shower, and then a night out at the bar with a fun group. Next weekend I'm heading out into Québec to attend the Electronic Brain music festival. I am SO excited for this! So excited!! It's going to be a blast. And then the weekend after that one, I'm going up to Montreal to visit my super-awesome friend Nicole. Plus a bunch of other amazing things because my life is just amazing right now. Emotional awkwardness and all! I hope you are all having a groovy week. Cheers!

Zounds!

This outfit surprised even me. I wore it to go to the Orchid show with my friends and it took about two minutes before one of them exclaimed... "Hey, Célynne's wearing pants!" The only reason I was comfortable like this (and I still felt rather naked) was because my blouse covered most of what bothers me being seen. Also is it just me or do the people who make jeggings assume we are all 6 feet tall? Because these are a size Small and I've still got oodles of material pooling around my ankles and knees.

 

Blouse - Purchased from Cookies and Crème Vintage on Etsy

Belt - Déjà New consignment shop in Ottawa

Jeggings - Hue

Shoes - Hush Puppies from Sears

My weekend was a whirlwind. I attended a friend's baby shower on Saturday. It was the first time our girl group had been together in its entirety in years (well, our 6th musketeer is out in Alberta!) and it amazed me how much we had changed and yet stayed the same. One friend brought along her seven (!) year old daughter and it blew my mind once again that my friends are parents and wives and husbands. I keep forgetting we're adults.

 
I'd be lying if I said seeing these things - marriages and babies - happening in the lives of my friends didn't make me sad. While I am overjoyed that these wonderful people are achieving these happy points in their lives, I'm also mourning them a little. Anybody who's had friends have kids knows what I'm talking about. No matter how hard you and they try, it's always going to be different, and very much so.

 

It's everything from having less time and less money, to new priorities and new people. Parents spend a lot of time with other parents. Because us single folks can only take so much diaper-talk and I gather parents can only take so much of hearing about the life they can't live anymore. I'm okay with their choices and where their lives take them - their life is theirs to live after all - but I'll miss the way things used to be nonetheless.

I knew 2012 was going to hold a lot of changes for me - felt it true in my bones - but I never thought I would be going through such an intense personal transformation again. Imagine sitting in front of a huge pile of building blocks, with the task of building who you want to be, but without clear plans on how to do it. (Maybe your snot-nosed cousin tore up the instructions?) You work your way up, only to realize you made a mistake, or you don't like something, or you get a better idea. It's a fluid work in progress with more than one outcome and none of them need to be final. Right now, I'm taking blocks down, turning them around in my hands, and trying to imagine the next thing I want to build with them.

 

There have been a few false starts and I haven't built up much further than my personal foundations, but at least those are solid and dependable now. My structure will have a dependable base upon which to be built, and that gives everything I put into this a better chance of success. I'm also learning to trade building blocks with others, for parts we each might need. Yeah, I'm really digging this metaphor! I hope it makes some sort of sense haha... Anyway, I hope you all had a great weekend and that your Monday is going well. Cheers! 

Psychedelicized

Hey everybody! I am so sorry... I guess I just sort of wandered off for a few weeks. I don't have any valid excuses. There was some gorgeous weather, and I wore some really cute outfits. But I was lazy and didn't take any photos. And then I got sick. So maybe I do have an excuse, here at the tail end of things. Technically I am still sick, and I am in these photos too - I took 'em on Saturday - but the dress had me all excited and that overpowered everything else.

Dress - Gift from Anne

Belt - Aeropostal sale, $5

Shoes - Thrifted from Value Village

I received the most amazing package from the wonderful Anne over at A Cup Full of Sunshine. It was full of goodies, including a hand knit neck warmer (it snowed a few days ago, maybe I'll be able to wear it after all) and oodles of lovely clothes. This dress took the cake though, that's for sure. Anne said in her note that she saw it and instantly thought of me, and I understand why! The minute I laid my eyes on this baby it was love.

Is that not the most obnoxiously bright and cheerful print you've ever seen? Just looking at it cheers me right up. It's almost like wearing the frozen scene from a kaleidoscope. And of course it's all the more special to me because it was a gift from Anne. I was blessed not so long ago by a package from Heather. These are both women who've never met me in person, and yet they sent me packages without prompting, absolutely filled with love and tenderness and warmth.

The tattoo on my back reads "J'ai la force pour tour surmonter" or "I have the strength to overcome anything". It was a tattoo I got pretty spur of the moment when I was 19. I don't regret it, but putting more thought into it would have been a good idea. Eventually I either want to add minimalist pine trees and autumnal coloured trees, or cover it with a nightscape of a pond and northern lights.

I thrifted these white shoes on Friday. They. Are. Amazing. It's like walking on marshmallows. They are so comfy. I wore them the entirety of Saturday... even though I never left my apartment! If I'm staying home, I usually don't wear any makeup, so this is my face without an ounce of makeup on it. I actually think I look quite good without makeup most of the time.

I'm also not wearing a bra here. Which for me is pretty damn rare. Even if it (supposedly) looks okay, I don't usually feel comfortable without one but for some reason in this dress it was totally okay. And I'd happily go out in public just like this, makeup-free face and all. I am going to try harder not to disappear for so long again. I hope you're all having a good week! Cheers!

Grinning and Grateful

I had such a great Saturday. I started off my morning by driving around with my grandfather - practicing for my driving test Tuesday - and then had lunch with he and my grandmother. My young cousin came back to my apartment to spend the afternoon with me afterward and I was a little nervous. It's not like I interact with tween girls on the regular, you know? Everything was awesome though, I'm pretty sure I didn't bore her and I think she might have maybe even found me interesting haha... It helped I probably spoiled her too.

Cardigan - Thrifted from Value Village

Dress - Thrifted from Value Village

Leggings - No idea

Boots - Some shop on Sparks Street in Ottawa

Of course the first thing we did was get her introduced to all my pets. She met all of my snakes, held my crested gecko and even put my ball python Galen around her shoulders. She was totally comfortable with him, it was awesome. A lot of our conversations revolved around animals and pets.

After she was introduced to the zoo, we went out and got ourselves some bubble tea - a new thing for her - and then walked through Chinatown, through Little Italy, and to Dow's Lake. That's where the above outfit photo was taken, by my wonderful cousin. Now if only I could get someone to take my photos more often!

We did a little tree climbing - which is why my dress looks funny, the lining was hiked up crooked from climbing trees! Now's the best time in this freaky warm weather, the trees are bare of bugs or other ickies. Afterward, we stopped at an Italian pastry shop to pick up some desserts, and went back to my apartment to bake muffins.

On walls off Somerset in Ottawa's Chinatown.

For supper, I took her out for some pho since she'd never had any before either. I think she may have liked it, but it can be difficult to eat. I mean, it is a bowl of super long rice-noodle soup that you eat with chopsticks. That requires some form of skill to eat (or an absolute lack of self-consciousness). She didn't eat a ton, but I don't know if that was from dislike, or just because she doesn't eat a lot at once, or it being difficult to eat. I am so clueless about children.

We capped off our time together by eating our desserts while watching the SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (I felt old trying to explain who David Hasselhoff is and why he's a thing). It was a very good day.

I'm so very thankful for my family, for these wonderful people I can love and be close to. These sorts of days for me, these are new experiences, brand new and shiny. And now I'm holding that shiny new thing in my hands, and I know once it starts to tarnish - as all things do with time - that I will only love and appreciate it in its worn beauty even more. I hope you're all having a really great weekend, I'm sending you all a little love. Cheers!

Those Blue Eyes

Ask anyone close to me, and they will quickly tell you I don't really like children. I don't think babies are particularly cute, I've never dreamed of having children and I just find most to be kids really annoying. And then I met Jacob. He's my cousin Laura's adorable 19 month old son. I like to think our shared genetics is how he's managed to sneak his way into my good graces. Not to mention his smile and those blue eyes of his!

He was playing peek-a-boo in the curtains after dinner on Saturday. He took a shine to me the minute my uncle and I arrived at their home on Friday evening. He couldn't quite pronounce my name, but it's not so bad being called Slyn by someone this cute. Of course, young kiddos aren't all smiles and good times all the time. Let's say I was very glad to have brought a set of ear plugs with me for my visit, otherwise sleeping might have posed a problem hah.

This might seem like a normal photo to you, just a happy kid sitting in a lap. Except for the fact that in my twenty three odd years, this is the first time I've held a child under the age of six. Ever. At first I was kind of terrified to hurt him. And then I remembered that little kids are like... superhuman. Bonk their head, cry for a few minutes, and then off they go zipping around again.

Here is my cousin Laura with her wee one. She's only a year older than me, and doing the mama thing while also going to school full time. I have mad respect for that because I know I could never do it. She's patient,  strong, caring, perseverant and so many amazing things. (Did I mention she and her husband moved from British Columbia to Ontario last month? Craziness!) I haven't actually seen Laura since we were in our early teens, but I felt very welcomed and so much at home with everyone. I just wish we didn't live four hours apart! My uncle works here in the city though, and the whole family often comes up to visit, and I'm warmly being included in everything which means so much to me.

This last photo was taken yesterday morning before I left to come home. He was so frigging cute in that wee knit vest! Gah! He totally knows he's adorable too, and knows how to use it to get his way. He was not a happy camper when he realized I was leaving though. He wanted Slyn to stay! I have to admit, I kinda didn't want to say goodbye to the little guy. I'm still VERY FAR from wanting to have any children of my own (you know, needing earplugs for sleep) but it's kinda cool I can sort of enjoy them for a little while. Until they need their diaper changed or start to cry, then mom and pop can have them back hah. Clearly my weekend was full of family and goodness, I hope yours was good too! Cheers!

Pink Elephants On Parade

I wore this for a coffee date on Sunday. Yes, this is my idea of lazy weekend casual clothing. I'd rather stick my hand in flame than be caught dead outside my apartment in sweat pants, gotta admit. I've often lately been hearing the excuse that it's just easier to pull on some sweat pants/PJ bottoms/old jeans in the morning. I counter this with the fact that it's no more difficult to just... pull on a dress! In fact, it's even easier because with dresses you don't have to worry about matching your top to your bottom. Stop making excuses people, there is no excuse to be a slobby-bobby!

Long-sleeved top - Thrifted from Value Village

Dress - Thrifted from Value Village

Flats - Ardene's

I didn't actually wear the flats out of the apartment but I didn't want to be in my socks and I wasn't about to wear my big winter boots in the apartment. So yeah, flats. It's all about the dress anyway. I am so madly in love with it! I've had it quite a long while but it's only ever really been out dancing with me. It's not exactly everyday work wear, to say the least.



The print is a mad mix of abstract and actual images. There are swirls and spirals, paisley and curlicues, plants and little mushrooms and so many details! Plus the background colour changes from red to pink back and again. It's definitely an eye catcher! I still can't believe my luck at not only finding this dress, but that it fits!

I picked up the pink top on a whim, thinking I'd find something I needed a pink basic top to wear with... I hadn't even been thinking of this dress, but turns out it is the EXACT same shade of pink. And once again, layering erases any modesty issues this big-busted gal might have with spaghetti straps. I'm not a fan of my boobage falling out all over the place, eh?



I've been so busy socially lately that it's kind of blowing my mind. Part of me is in disbelief that I am suddenly a person with an actual active social life and have regular social activities in which to participate. It's funny when things get so good you start wondering if they're actually true.

I spent Tuesday evening with my grandparents, which was lovely. Wednesday was my belly dance class (I'm only a beginner B! My teacher is a nice older lady named Lois Brake) and then I went out for some drinks with some of the ladies and didn't get home until nearly 10PM (pretty sure my cat thinks I'm cheating on him now). This evening I'm heading straight to a wonderful lady friend's after work to cook up some pizza together. (I'm also sneakily picking up some cupcakes and wine for us to snack on too, because that sounds like a good plan to me.)

I've taken the next 3 Fridays off, which is going to be great. Tomorrow I'm heading out for a greasy-spoon breakfast with my grandparents and then we're hitting up the new giant Ikea they recently opened here in Ottawa. Then that night I am bringing my special someone out to Ritual Nights to see how he handles some mad psytrance beats, heh. Saturday involves muffin baking with another girlfriend and that night I'm heading to another friend's solo theatrical performance. BUSY YOU GUYS. But in a totally awesome absolutely fantastic way. So I am happy. And I hope you all are too! Cheers!

Looking Back

There are a lot of posts out there lately covering outfits from 2011. I thought about doing this myself, but when I started scrolling through January 2011's posts, I immediately changed my mind. It's funny, because at the time, I was more than happy with those posts. Almost proud of them. Now I cringe at the bad photos and my weird ramblings.

April 22, 2011

I've changed so much in the last year. I consider myself a completely different person. I'd had a sense during the last few years that I wasn't quite as I should be. Like the person I was wasn't who I really was, if that makes any sense. 

 

November 5, 2011

I realize now I was transforming into my true self, like caterpillar to butterfly. I just spent an inordinate amount of time making my cocoon... and then more time inside that cocoon. I like to think that 2012 is the year I unfurl my fresh wings, let them dry and learn to fly as my new self.

June 27, 2011 - August 14, 2011

I dabble in writing now and again (like my failed NaNoWriMo) and often go back to read my older work. I'd like to share a poem with you that I wrote back in February of 2010, nearly two years ago. It's probably far more obvious to me since it's my poem and my life, but reading this now, the links are almost uncanny.

August 12, 2011

Feel the Pull

I want to sit in a sea of pillows and sip tea,

Like some exotic princess of the orient,

Or a chick in a downy feathered nest.

There will be bead hangings in doorways,

And summer breezes flowing through

Open doors and thin billowing curtains.

Yet my dreams of colourful flowing dresses

And long hair that blows in the wind still

Somehow always end up as black denim.

I'm beating my fists against the windows

Of my eyes, trying to set myself free,

But now is not the time for flying.

Still, my soul cracks open my chest,

Letting me feel that ever expansive feeling

Of being connected with all as one.

My mind is capable of more than I know,

And I want to feel it all over again,

With the world flowing through my head.

It's an eternal tug of war behind my ribs,

Desires running wild like headless birds,

And I can't help but wonder, what now?

Yet breathing isn't easy in the city,

So I hold my breath, and drive like mad

With the windows down, come pasture.

Eventually something will change, and the

Fettered desires of my being will be free to dance

With wildflowers and lay in beds of spider silk. 

July 1, 2011

This was written at a time when I was still discovering my style and my sense of self as an individual. I was reading post after post from Heather, Anne, Missa and Milla's blog archives (see, I'd not be me without you blog ladies!) and setting foot on a path to change.

September 15, 2011 - October 5, 2011

If 2010 was the year for my struggle to realize I needed to change, 2011 was the year for that change. Which brings me back to why I don't want to bring back most of my older posts. I don't recognize that person as me anymore, for many reasons.

May 25, 2011 - April 15, 2011

Beyond my internal changes, like beginning to  process new and complex emotions, nurturing friendships and love, and learning to be confident and open, I changed a lot physically too. I've lost a lot of weight. I've changed my hair. I dress differently, because I'm confident enough to do so. But if I dislike those outfits so much, what are these photos? They're the ones I feel resonate "me" the most, either because of what I was wearing or what I was doing or just how I remember feeling that day. Most are from later in the year, unsurprisingly.

November 25, 2011

August 1, 2011

If you've made it this far... yay! Thank you for reading my blog, and thank you to those who take the time to comment. Your words always bring joy into my day. I never figured blogs would be the catalyst for change in my life, but here lies the proof. I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Cheers!

My Favourite Top

Hey everybody! I hope your week is moving along smoothly. I had an absolutely wonderful evening yesterday with my grandfather and more of the family. He hadn't seen me since I was quite literally still a baby in a high chair. Blood is definitely thicker than water, and I felt very welcomed and very loved. Speaking of loved... That's how I feel every time I wear this top!

Top - Gift from Heather

Dress - Thrifted from the Salvation Army

Belt - Ardene's

Shoes - Spring

I mentioned in my post about the package she sent me, that I believed the items were imbued with her love. And it's true! Wearing this colourful zigzaggy top is like wearing a loving hug all day. Plus, everywhere I went wearing this, people were smiling at me. I guess bright colours cheer folks up eh?

I'm going to try my hand at making one of those secret-compartment book-box thingers this evening, as a gift to a friend of mine. I read a couple DIY's on how to do it and it looks pretty easy. Hopefully I don't bungle it! It should be fun either way though. Wee! Crafts!

And unbelievably, this top is SO versatile. With all those colours, it's like a mix-and-match bonanza! I've got more photos involving my red maxi from Friday's post, and plan to style it with black and pink as focal colours eventually too. But lime green demanded to be first pick. If only this dress weren't such a pain to walk in... I hope you're all having a groovy Tuesday! Cheers!