But existing in blissful ignorance isn't living, it's just ignorance. I'm seeing so many people who choose to deny life as it is, to live their lives with their heads in the sand. Sometimes their form of ignorance is religion, when for others it's substance abuse, or losing themselves in the bubble-world of a relationship. And I can honestly see the appeal there, in something that promises to make all the scary things go away - or at least seem that way. But pretending the storm on the horizon isn't there isn't going to stop the rain.
It just seems so
weak resorting to that kind of behavior. A coward's way out. It's especially disappointing to see people who's opinions I used to value existing like that, now that I'm more aware of such things. I'm not a deep thinker, I'm not a genius and I know that. I'm a pretty simple person. But it just seems so
stupid to live like that. To ignore the obvious and keep riding that speeding train toward the broken bridge up ahead. Hiding in a church, inside a chemical high, in the arms of a lover, that's not the way to go.
While I can understand that change is frightening, the reality is that it's inevitable. Things are going to change sooner or later, whether you want them to or not. I just think it's better to be the catalyst for that change, to be in control, rather than simply duck down and let things go and just be along for the ride. The later might be easier now but it's going to be a lot more difficult dealing with the fallout in the future. My hatches are going to be battened down when that storm hits, I will be ready to face it and
get through it.
I've been plowing along through life alone these last few years, and
while it's been difficult and confusing and frightening, I've never gone
so far as to just ignore the reality of life's struggles as my actual
lifestyle. It's one thing to take the time to enjoy a little escape, let
your mind free itself from worries and stress, and another entirely to
live in that world of oblivion everyday and call it reality.
I think the worst thing about all of this is how so many of those people
with their heads in the sand are quick to try and pull you down with
them. As if their "reality" is the only one that can possibly be true
and you're a fool not to live that way. But I don't need the comfort of a
fictitious god figure or the numbing properties of a substance to get
through this life. I still have so much to learn, but I know that much at least.
I'm going to face this life and all it can throw at me head on, with
confidence in myself. Because the feelings of safety and confidence
brought forth through religions and substances and
dependent-relationships are not going to cut it. I've been standing on
my own two feet this long, I'm not about to get down on my knees and jam
my head in the sand with the rest of them. I'm better than that. And I
think they are too, if they just made the effort and faced life as it is and not how they wish it were.
So while I am still filled with a lot of fears and doubts about my future, I'm okay with that. I understand that it's just a part of life, and that it will also reward me with feelings of joy and comfort and safety when I work towards those things as goals. Nobody has any say in how my life will turn out but me, and I'm not about to throw that away for some outward source of temporary false comfort. You can live with your rose-tinted glasses on but the world isn't all pink. I like it in every shade, even the darker ones, because it makes the high points all the better. I'm going to try my best not to dwell on others' mistakes - or my own - but to learn from them and move on to grow and progress, as awkward and uncomfortable as that can be. Because I am
alive. I am
awake. And I'm not letting that go.
